Insights on George Floyd’s murder and what needs to be done about it

Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the past week, then you’re probably aware of the murder of George Floyd that occurred in Minneapolis. A man who was confronted by the police for an alleged forgery of a check ended up on the ground with a knee pinning down his neck until he suffocated to death. It’s tragic, it was preventable, and incidents like this just seem to keep happening over and over.

Now if you’ve been reading my blog, a decent amount of posts have been leaning more towards personal insights towards myself. But that’s not all this blog will be about. As I had said before, this blog will also be about my thoughts on culture and the modern world. And one thing that has been all over the news in America has been George’s murder.

Police killing black men and women without proper cause isn’t new. And one of America’s biggest problems is that nothing ever seems to be done about this. And the officers who overstep their boundaries like this tend to get nothing more than a slap on a wrist. At most they’ll get fired, but the police department and local government normally do what they can in their power to protect these officers.

And every time their is a peaceful protest, a social media campaign for a call to action, or a documentary made about the inequality that African Americans deal with on a daily basis: nothing changes. And it makes you wonder, maybe that’s why this time there’s a full fledged riot going on in Minnesota. I woke up this morning to check the news on my phone to find out that a police station in Minneapolis was just set on fire. Videos are circling the internet of people chanting George Floyd’s name in front of a burning police station, this is definitely unprecedented times we live in right now.

Do I agree with these actions? No. Do I understand why people are doing them and their point of view of it all? Yes. People are mad, they’ve been trying to do peaceful protests for years. They’ve been criticizing the police force over and over again. Yet it seems like every month there’s another story of another cop or group of cops killing more black people that didn’t deserve it. So what happens when there’s no improvement in the situation? People get angry.

And they’ll take their anger out as they see fit. Their message by rioting and setting the police department on fire sent a message that was loud and clear to the world. And without a doubt, that message was heard. People are sick of the oppression, and now America has to lay in the bed its made. Currently the national guard is on their way to Minneapolis to control the riots, and I can’t imagine how bad that situation is going to get.

As for my personal thoughts on how to improve the situation of cops killing African Americans unlawfully? Well, peaceful protests haven’t worked, and violent protests only spur more outrage in the opposing side. I feel like the best way to bring about change is within the police force and the government itself. It starts by a massive re-training of the police force to better prepare them on how to deal with situations involving minorities, so they’re no so apt to just kill without thinking.

It also starts with getting rid of the slap on the wrist mentality and having zero tolerance. Cops like the one’s who killed George shouldn’t just be fired, but should be arrested and charged for their crimes. Justice needs to be served. People need to understand that being in the police force doesn’t mean your protected by the law and the local government and that you can get away with committing unlawful murder. And when you have cops who have multiple accounts of overstepping boundaries, you fire them immediately. As for many cops like that it’s only a matter of time before they kill someone without a cause.

There needs to be a stricter hiring and screening process in the police force. There has to be a more in depth focus of psychological stability and aptitude among police officers. When you’ve got assholes who are looking for power trips who are getting into the police force, there needs to be precautions to screen people out. As well as ways to screen out candidates with a history of aggression, especially aggression towards minorities.

Finally, there needs to be a shift in the culture of the police force. There’s a clear component of complacency and refusal to take action towards officers who do wrong. One of the officers seen in the video of George’s murder was simply standing next to the group and was watching George suffocate to death. Did he do anything? No, he watched the other officer continue to pin the man down. In my opinion that’s a metaphor for the police force as a whole. Most cops don’t try to stop their fellow officers from overstepping their boundaries. Even worse, they’ll cover for each other if they have to. Unfortunately, the ones who do say something about it are shunned. This is beyond fucked up, and this attitude needs to be fixed. Officers need to hold each other accountable.

In these times, it’s hard for people to trust the police force. And there’s a clear understanding as to why “Fuck the police” is such a popular phrase. It’s because of incidents like George’s murder happening numerous times. I also guarantee people won’t start calming down until the officers who started this all are in prison. If there is one thing that can come from all this chaos so far, it’s that people of all nationalities are banding together to support this cause. Times like these will be one of the defining moments of 2020, and possibly in American history. Hopefully, it will mark the turn towards a better future for minorities, especially African Americans.

I am me, and I love myself for it

Let me tell you a little bit about how I grew up. When I was young, authority was all I knew. Mostly because of my parents and the way they raised me. I love them, but I’d be lying if I were to say they weren’t your stereotypical strict Asian parents. They had their belts and sandals locked and loaded to whip out if I misbehaved. They shaped me into the little kid they wanted me to be. They yelled at me for being out past 9pm with friends in grade school on a weekend. They looked at me with extreme disapproval at any grade below a B. And the one thing, the ONE THING that they hated the most was if I disagreed with them. After all, to them, they were always right.

I carried these experiences to high school. Where I let my peers influence me and who I was. Growing up I didn’t really feel like I had a real sense of identity. Because who I was, was so heavily influenced by my parents. And not always in a positive way. I blended in to appease everyone else. Just like how I acted exactly how my parents wanted me to be to please them. I felt like I needed that validation, that I had to be accepted. It brought comfort. I found standing up for myself to be hard. Because that brought me back to the feelings of trying to go against the grain of what my parents wanted me to be, and how I got shot down for doing so.

So if someone said something that I didn’t agree with. I kept it to myself. I would blindly follow the leader of the group. It was fucking stupid, but like I said: to me, it was better to have that acceptance and validation. Because who the hell wants to be seen as different than everyone else, right? I had my close friends in high school, don’t get me wrong, it was alright. But I was just a stereotype. And molded and adjusted my own personality, fashion sense, and values to fit the group of the people around me. Even if I wasn’t really into a lot of the stuff they were into, I did it anyway.

Then, off I went into college. I joined a fraternity. Where I had the time of my fucking life. I partied hard, I went to class high and wasted, I hooked up with some fun girls. I was a basic bro. It was a great time. I didn’t feel the need to be so reserved. However, much of my need for validation still remained. Of course, when you go greek; there’s a certain look that you have to play into in order to represent your organization. I started dressing like a frat bro with the boat shoes, I forced myself to play sports I wasn’t interested in, I acted “hard” to the point of absurdity at times. All for the sake of being cool with everyone in the fraternity. And when it came to older more respected brothers; there I was again, blindly following them and never questioning anything. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve met my best friends because of greek life, and they’re still my best friends today. But man did I fucking care too much about what others thought throughout my time in college.

This eventually extended to my adult life in nursing. Where I was scared to deal with the older nurses when I started my job. I was going out of my way to appease them and the annoying patients who ask for too fucking much. I didn’t have boundaries. It was ridiculous. However, a few months into my job. I started looking back at my life. And I asked myself a big question:


Then I asked myself some more questions. Why was I scared to be me? Why did I have an issue with authority? Why didn’t I speak up for myself as much as I could have in so many situations? What was that stupid feeling of anxiety and fear that kept coursing through my body when I spoke up to authority. Why do I let myself be dictated so much by others???

And then I had a realization. An amazing realization. It was that I didn’t feel complete unless the acceptance and validation I received was from the outside. I thought that it had to be from others. That it had to be from the cool kids in high school, it had to be from the older and more respected brothers from my fraternity, it had to be from the older nurses at work. And I came to a conclusion:

In order to be yourself and comfortable with it, acceptance and validation have to come from within.

I wasn’t comfortable with setting boundaries because I wasn’t comfortable with believing in myself. I wasn’t comfortable with dressing how I wanted and being into hobbies that are different than everyone else because I wasn’t willing to accept that it was ok to be me. Being seen as different was foreign to me, being disliked by some was a scary thought. But now I realized that self actualization only comes when you can be 100% happy with who you are and what you believe in.

And since this realization. I did my best to follow this mantra. I dressed in what was interesting and aesthetically pleasing to me. I set boundaries at work and in my personal life. I let my real self and interests shine through, and I openly talked about them with others regardless of whether they were into the same things or not. I can now disagree with my parents for things that I know they’re wrong about, and be ok with it. This has also extended to my peers, if I see something wrong, I’ll say some shit about it. Hell, I wanted tattoos and was scared of getting them before because I kept thinking about what the nurses at work might think or how I would react if my friends disliked them. But now I realize, who fucking cares? So I got the ones I wanted anyway, and goddamn did it feel great to do so.

And you know what happened after I started doing all this? People respected me more. Because when you’re just trying to appease people, they can tell. When you’re too scared to say anything about what you believe in, they can tell. When you’re not being real and authentic, they can tell. But when you’re you, unapologetically you, people respect that. Regardless of whether they like the real you or not. They know you’re not afraid about being who you are. And even if they’re not thinking about it, in the back of their head they’ll have that tint of jealousy because you didn’t play into what they wanted you to be. So fuck all the non-sense of being who others want you to be, be yourself. Because that’s where true freedom comes from.

A small collection of my recent artwork

One hobby that I’ve been putting more focus on lately is creating more art. It’s something that I dabbled in here and there in college but never got too serious with until recently. It was a bit of a hidden hobby for me that only a few knew about because I didn’t want my friends thinking I was lame (I was part of a fraternity and a lot of people in it were pretty “bro” and looked down on those kind of things). Now that I’ve grown more after graduating college, I realized that was really stupid to think. Do what you love man. After college I started getting a little more serious with making some more pieces here and there and having fun with it.

Now that we’re in the middle of a pandemic, I wanted to put some more focus in art work and creating pieces that I actually enjoy. I’m no Pablo Picasso, a lot of my art work is contemporary and abstract. But I enjoy creating these pieces and expressing myself with them. I’ve really become a fan of acrylic art and spray painting on a canvas, and hope to also try out different forms of making art on different platforms in the future.

So far my recent pieces have been inspired by the lifestyle that I’ve lived after moving to Chicago. I really loved the night life of the city and having a great time out with amazing friends. I really like to party, and as someone who is young I’ve been making the most of my life here pre-pandemic. My art has reflected that and it’s a happy medium that allows me to reminisce on good times. It also gives more of something to really look forward to when this pandemic is over, because you best bet I’ll be the first one out in line at the bars and clubs when this is all over.

Here is a collection of my 3 recent pieces. All of them are on a 36 x 48 canvas.

1:00 AM
This was heavily inspired by many drunken weekends full of debauchery. The writings are statements that you hear often when your out drinking, like the infamous “Who’s ordering the Uber?” or the all too familiar “What did you say?” that you hear every 2 minutes in a loud club. Some parts of this art piece are references to areas in Chicago. Kingsbury, Ontario, and Dearborn are all popular streets at night in the city. This piece also showcases the absurdity of some of things you see, such as how many places unapologetically charge overpriced amounts for a cup of mostly juice and a tablespoon of tequila. The top left of the canvas is a shout out to El Gallo De Bravo, one of my personal favorite restaurants to get food after a night of getting hammered. Also, fuck Soundbar.

This canvas talks about the importance of letting loose and having fun, while also being a bit of a commentary on different aspects of society. Such as our love for thrills and money (which hey, I’m not going to deny that I chase both). And while chasing money is great, don’t expect super expensive material objects like Porches to make you feel fulfilled. My personal philosophy is that humans are social creatures and it’s meaningful relationships that bring us real joy. I also try to have the mentality of being open and accepting of everyone, and I try to avoid the elitist “only talk to me if I think you’re cool” mentality. Hence the statement “Everyone’s invited”. Love can be a intoxicating, and I think it’s one of the most powerful drugs out there. But of course, acid is pretty great too.

Honestly, I made this with a friend while we were drunk and high from smoking weed. Turned out pretty well in my opinion.

A little over a year as nurse, my thoughts on healthcare and a reflection on my career path

So I recently surpassed my one year mark as a nurse. The path so far has involved a lot of trials and tribulations. I learned a lot and got humbled like a motherfucker. You learn about the value of life and how easily it can be taken away. You learn about the importance of hospital dynamics between staff, something they don’t really teach in you nursing school. You learn that you don’t know shit.

This job has a tendency to keep you on it’s toes. And some days can be as rewarding as they can be downright exhausting. Especially now with Covid, even more is at risk every time I have to go my unit, which has been transformed into a Covid unit. God do I hate dressing up in personal protective equipment every time I step into a room, I hate wearing masks that make it hard to breath and cause break outs, and I hate feeling like I’m in sauna whenever I’m in the room.

I hope people reading this aren’t hoping that I’m going to dress healthcare as a whole with flowers and candy, because I’m going to be completely honest. Healthcare fucking sucks. There, I said it. It’s the truth and I’ve only met a few nurses who actually truly love their jobs. Do I make sure I do a great job with caring for patients? Of course. I don’t slack at work, my license is on the line and I don’t want to take the chances of getting lazy and unintentionally causing harm to a patient. I care about doing a good job. I will admit that I’m still a greenhorn even with a year of experience, and I still have a tendency to make mistakes (luckily it just involves small things like documenting issues).

But do I love what I do? I don’t think I do anymore. I’ve come to the realization in this year of nursing that I fell into the trap of choosing a career because of security and money, not something I truly loved. Had I chosen to do what I truly loved, I probably would’ve stuck with business in college or gone into something psychology related. But no, I picked nursing. Mostly because the money is nice, hospitals always need them, and if you’re a guy; girls love to hear that you’re a nurse.

However, I am still grateful. I have a career that wasn’t taken away during Covid. And I do feel like I make a difference (at least sometimes, because other times I feel like the most we’re doing for patients is just prolonging the inevitable when they’re already at death’s door). And I like knowing that I know how to save a life. But, damn do I not look forward to going to work sometimes. Even on days I’m stressed, I don’t take it out on co-workers or patients. But I see other nurses do, A LOT. It’s a profession that takes a lot out of you. And sometimes you just get tired.

I get it though. The healthcare system can be fucked. And it’s hard for hospitals to be 100% fair to all staff 100% of the time. So we end up with situations like unsafe working ratios. Or patients getting screwed over by the healthcare system. Or burnout, especially burnout. And when you’re a nurse, you’re the middle man, and you work with everyone in the patient’s plan of care and communicate with the whole team to help figure out how to best move forward. This can be exciting, and it can also be tiring (especially when you deal with the angry Docs).

I know that this isn’t my dream job. But it gives me the opportunity to help fund my dream. I’m currently in the works with starting a clothing brand, and I hope to grow it so I can become self sufficient financially. Because god I can’t imagine being a 50 year old nurse looking back at their youth wishing they didn’t take the chance to get out of healthcare. But, even then, I refuse to let my views on healthcare get in the way of taking care of patients. I’ll always do my best to give them my best. At the end of the day, this job is about the service of others.

Overall, I’m young. And I have my whole life ahead of me to do what I truly want. I might not be the happiest in my field, but I know when I achieve my dream of working for myself in the future, that I’ll be glad I went through nursing. Because it has taught me to be strong in the face of adversity. And only very few jobs can really make you feel that way like this one.

This is the only life we get

I recently made a promise to myself. That promise was that I was going to live my life to the fullest, and really not give a fuck. I felt I was embodying that to somewhat of a point beforehand, but I wasn’t really following through. I’d say “yah man I’m just making the most of life”, yet I’d turn down opportunities to travel with friends to have a shit ton of fun in other countries before the Covid virus. The main reason was that I was being stingy with money, I could easily afford the expenses, but I cared more about seeing my bank account continuously going up than seeing it go down a little bit to have a great time.

Sure I would spend some decent money here and there at the club or bar, but anything major was always a big no no for me. Shit I was living like a minimalist at home, mainly because I was just so cheap at times that I wouldn’t buy things that I really wanted because I’d do what I could to protect my bank account. Not saying that the minimalist lifestyle is bad at all, it can be really beneficial for a lot of people. But I was clearly denying myself things for the sake of denying them and feeling some fake superior feeling for sticking to being a minimalist.

On top of that, I’d turn down opportunities to get to meet new people or try new experiences outside my comfort zone because I already felt safe with what I had right now. But now, I’m realizing that this mentality is literally fucking stupid. We’re here once, that’s it. Once. After that, you’re dead and a few decades after that no one is going to give a flying fuck about you. I mentioned in my previous post when I tripped on shrooms and had an ego death that I realized that life is meaningless and everything is nothing. But I don’t mean that in a depressing way, I mean that in the most freeing way possible.

Yes, life is meaningless. Well guess what, that gives you the freedom to CREATE MEANING. If nothing matters, then you can choose what matters to you and drop the fears that kept you from truly living. I mean we’re all going to end up in the same place right? So why worry about insignificant shit like trying to save as much money as possible, fuck that. Save money, be financially responsible, but don’t be afraid to drop a decent amount of money to have fun. Just don’t go broke and don’t live way outside your means (Unless that’s something you don’t really care about either, for me I still like being financially secure. It makes life a little easier).

Last night. I bought an $1,100 road bike. I know I wanted to buy a bike for a while. But I realized I really wanted to push myself with cycling, I wanted to take it seriously. I wanted to do those 20 plus, 30 plus, 50 plus mile biking trips. And if I were to do that I couldn’t be a cheap fuck and buy some basic $300 bike from Dick’s Sporting Goods. No, I had to spend on a quality bike that would last me years. So that’s what I did. Old me probably would ponder the thought and tell myself “nah, that’s a dumb idea”. New me realized “hell yah, I’m about to have a lot of fun.”

Today, I picked up the bike at the store and did a 22 mile trip. It was beautiful, it was freeing, I pushed myself hard and at the end I was exhausted. Yet I felt truly amazing. I can’t wait for more biking trips in the future. And I can’t wait to keep pushing myself to bike further distances. Now, I’m going to promise myself to truly live, whether its through traveling or to new and fun experiences in general. I’m going to truly make the most of experiencing the world. Looking back I wish I would’ve agreed to do a lot of things with the people I know. But now, rest assured, I’m not saying no.

Having an unplanned Ego death during a psilocybin trip (Report)

I’ll just start off by saying that I’m not an experienced tripper. I’ve taken shrooms once before (about 1.8g). And I’ve taken a tab of LSD twice. I enjoyed the headspace I’ve gotten so far from them, but I didn’t go further than some decent visuals and color saturation. Outside of that I’ve been microdosing shrooms with some good results so far.

I was hoping to trip again today so I woke up early and took 2g of shrooms. Keep in mind, these were part of a bag of 11g that I shredded in a blender. I was microdosing with them for about a month and decided to do a full trip today for fun. Holy shit. Boy was I in for a fucking ride.

When I started to come up I immediately knew something was wrong. I knew I whatever I took had too much psilocybin and I was in for a hell of a time. I wasn’t ready, and I wanted the trip to end right as I was starting to come up. And my dumbass thought that I should down lemonade as I had believed that I had heard before that it can cancel out a trip. After doing research, I realized why I had tripped so fucking hard.

  1. Shredding up and taking shrooms makes them absorb faster
  2. Taking high acidic liquids like lemonade causes the psilocybin to become much more concentrated if taken early while it’s still being digested.
  3. 1 and 2 together lead to the trip to be twice as strong as it normally should’ve been, hence why I pretty much went from playing with sparklers on my first trip to being sent up to the sky like a firework on the second.

I started having some really strong geometric visuals while coming up and a really weird body high, I actually panicked and puked a few times. I kept trying to calm myself down and tell myself that I just needed to wait 6-8 hours and I’d be ok. But time literally wasn’t fucking moving.

I went to my roomate and asked him how long it had been since 8:20am (when I first took the shrooms), he said it was 9:20am, holy shit it was only an hour and I felt like I was stuck in a bad trip for 3. I was still coming up and realized that I’m in this ride whether I wanted out or not. So I accepted my situation and laid down. I pretty much just told myself “Ok shrooms, do what you want with me. I’m in it for the ride”. And that’s when I blasted off to another dimension.

The things I saw, were incredible. Infinite geometric patterns, refractions of shapes, never ending voids of every color ever. I went from freaking the fuck out to feeling a sense of peace. Then I met the beings. They were other worldly, their heads were giant eyeballs and they were wearing capes. One of them brought me through the different dimensions, where I saw everything and felt everything. Personality wise the entity was actually really chill, and he reminded me of korvo from solar opposites.

He was really friendly and asked me if there’s anything I wanted to know. I was just so astonished that I didn’t know what to ask. I did ask about my anxiety and depression (as I originally also wanted to do some mental healing from this trip along with having fun).The being pretty much telepathically communicated to me that I’d be ok, and that mental illnesses are an abstract, and don’t matter. He then told me to “let go.” It was then that I realized he wanted me to let go of my ego, and have an ego death.

I wasn’t ready at first, and kept trying to hold on to that tangent of reality that I had. He said “it’s ok, we can try again later”. He asked me if there’s anything else I wanted to know. I just asked if I could sit with him and watch this dimension we were in, he said “ok”. And there we sat for a while, just watching everything in all it’s beauty. He eventually brought me to more realms, each realm was just as beautiful and mind-bending as the last, after what felt like a long time. He looked at me and asked again “Let go.”.

I then accepted it and allowed myself to fully give in to the trip, I had an ego death. It felt like I melted into nothing, and everything meant nothing, everything lost it’s meaning and I had no identity of myself. I was everything and nothing at once, and I felt like I was part of this universe. It felt scary, yet calm and peaceful. Eventually I ended up in what felt like a control room with other beings. It was like a giant oval room with windows, and you could see that they were looking over earth. They all had capes and eyeballs for heads too.

I started to feel anxious, and wondered if I was coming down, they asked me “what is anxiety?”. And when I thought about I realized it was nothing. I then saw anxiety as something that was tangible, and it slowly melted and dissipated into nothing. I kept overthinking and wondering if I would go insane. Like I literally went from just laughing my butt off with friends on my first trip to being teleported to other worlds on my second. The beings assured me that I’d be ok. And that when the trip was over I’d integrate back into reality and be ok.

I felt much calmer after that, and telepathically I knew they wanted me to find peace. And create meaning from nothing. Things slowly started to come down and I opened me eyes. I was back on planet Earth. For another two or three hours I still had some slight visuals. And I was still in a bit of a trippy headspace. I was trying to explain to my roomate what I experienced, and he could tell I was pretty shaken by what I just experienced.

I tried to sleep but couldn’t. (Keep in mind it was only 1pm). Eventually I felt fully sober and decided to go for a walk. My god, it was the most beautiful walk of my life, I almost wanted to cry tears of joy because I was so happy to be alive. It’s like the shrooms gave me a renewed feeling of appreciation for the life that was given to me. It’s a beautiful day outside right now, and I’m happy that I’m here.

Overall, I wasn’t expecting to get so blasted off of 2g, but I’m glad I did. It was a crazy experience even though it was literally terrifying during the come up. I don’t see myself tripping again for a while, or if I do it’ll probably be really small dosages because this trip was just beyond comprehension.

The main lesson I learned: We are nothing. Everything is nothing. But that’s ok. Because we can assign meaning to what matters, and we can make the most of our lives. Everyday. We’re all connected, and we’re all one with each other. Not just humans, but nature and everything that ever existed.

Life isn’t over because of the quarantine

When the quarantine first started, I thought that life was pretty much over. And for the first few weeks I treated life like it pretty much was. On my days off from work I stayed home playing video games and jacking off. I exercised every now and then but didn’t really push myself as much as I could. At work, the local community donated constant fast food to healthcare staff, so I was ALWAYS eating like shit. During that period I was so bummed out about how I couldn’t go out and enjoy life that I let it negatively effect my mindset.

However, after an awesome acid trip. I realized that life didn’t have to be over because of the quarantine. That this time is one of the best opportunities to cultivate ourselves and start chasing after what we really want. Before the quarantine shit, I was always distracted because I was always out partying and being a delinquent on my days off of work. Now that the most I’m doing is downing a few White Claws here and there, I really had a lot of time to start thinking and planning my goals.

I’ve been taking advantage of this quarantine as much as I could since that realization. I’ve been working towards some personal goals that I’ve been wanting to accomplish for months. Both in terms of making money, expressing myself with interests such as art, and working on my diet and exercise routines to build up on that summer body. I’ve honestly been feeling very productive as of lately and it’s helped in getting rid of those bummed out quarantine vibes. Also, just because there’s a quarantine doesn’t mean you always have to stay at home, so long as you practice social distancing and proper hygiene, there’s nothing that’s really keeping you from enjoying the outside world. No way I’m staying at home all the fucking time and getting depressed.

It does pay off to keep your mind busy and entertained by pursuing your own interests. And I think it’s important that we don’t waste all this free time we’re given on pornhub 24/7. Perspective is important during dark times like these, and if you look for opportunities for growth and start pursuing those opportunities, they’ll pay off exponentially in the future. I didn’t even plan on starting a blog before, but I figured why not? I’ll add that on to my list of things to start and grow while quarantined.

You don’t need an acid trip to get the motivation to start chasing your goals (though it can really help), you really just need to take the first steps in planning how to achieve them. Then taking those steps one at a time. I don’t see this corona virus shit going away anytime soon, and even though parts of the world are opening up slowly, it’ll be a long ass time before everything is fully back to how it was pre-covid. We’ve got plenty of time to chase some dreams right now.

While I’m definitely planning to make up for the lost time in getting fucked up again and having a lot of fun with friends when the society is back up and running; one of my main goals is still to stay consistent with the goals I’ve started now during the lockdown and not getting lazy. It’s all about balance of work and play, and before quarantine that scale was definitely weighed down with tons of bricks on the play side.

Honestly, I’m ready to just kick some ass right now and make the most of the situation that the world is in.

Analysis of the results of microdosing psilocybin for 1 month

About a month and a half ago I had my first full trip with psilocybin (aka Magic Mushrooms). It was an experience that will forever be engrained in me because of how positive and therapeutic of a trip it was. It definitely left me with a greater appreciation of the world around me and for myself. I remember before the trip, I had done some research on microdosing shrooms already, and the many positive effects it’s had on people’s lives.

However, before starting my microdosing journey. I felt that I really wanted to experience the full affects of shrooms with a dose large enough to have an actual psychedelic trip. After, I felt more ready to start microdosing, and waited the allotted time recommended for my tolerance to reset before taking my first microdose.

I’ll normally microdose about 2 to 3 days straight. Then take two to three days off. That way my tolerance doesn’t start going up. The biggest issue with me at first was finding the right dose. I feel that I’m very sensitive to most substances. And that for what most people would consider a normal dose, for me that’s normally a lot smaller. This definitely applied to microdosing.

At 0.2g, I felt really energetic and agitated, it was hard for me to really focus. At 0.15 I felt the same way but to a lesser extent. These effects were persistent until I found the right amount for me. Which was surprisingly a very low dose of 0.07g. That was around the point where I stopped feeling that agitated and irritated feeling I was getting at higher doses. Kind of surprising for someone who’s a 5’8 and 150 pounds. But I guess body chemistry plays a big role on your tolerance to susbtances.

Keep in mind it took a little over a week (about 4 doses) before I found the right dose and started consistently dosing that amount. 2 weeks in I started noticing that I was less reactive to situations that I’m normally more emotional towards. Certain negative experiences through my day can really bother me, even though I usually don’t express it. I have an issue of letting things get to me and troubling my mind for hours on end during the day. However, I was starting to find myself to be non-reactive and clearheaded when negative situations presented themselves. Sometimes I can still ruminate on them for a bit, but I’m very good at stopping myself and getting on with the day.

I also find myself more motivated to complete my goals. I’ve been transferring a lot of this energy into setting up my clothing business before officially launching it. And recently I’ve been more pro-active with expressing my creativity with art, and even started a social media page and a website to sell the art with. This was something that I was holding off with for months, but now find myself with the motivation to go forward with it.

While I’m not necessarily experiencing a lack of anxiety that some people who microdose report. I did start noticing a much better mood consistently throughout my days. I have much less negative thoughts, and am much better at filtering them out of my head. This is a superb improvement in my book as that positivity has lead to me being happier person all around. Now I’m finding myself being much more interactive with others than I normally was before. I’m currently finding myself to be much more open to my colleagues at work than I normally am.

Information seems to be something that I’m much more interested in ingesting now. I’m finding myself consistently listening to informational podcasts or reading articles on different subjects when I normally would just be doing something mindless like watching cartoons (not to say watching cartoons is bad, but beforehand I was doing things like watching anime for half a day when I could be more productive). It’s definitely helped me be more curious and interested in becoming more knowledgeable.

Overall, I’m very satisfied with the results so far. It wasn’t an overnight improvement for me, but subtle and continuous positive effects that built up throughout the weeks. It’s pushed me to be much more productive, and I wouldn’t say microdosing will solve your problems, but can definitely help to be the catalyst to help you do so. In the end, you still have to be the one to take action.

I’ll probably continue to microdose for another 2 months, and eventually take a break. My goal after that would be in solidifying the positive habits I’ve built while microdosing. I’d definitely recommend microdosing if anyone ever gets the chance to do so. It has been very helpful for me so far, and I’m sure can be beneficial for tons of people out there.

Art is one of of my favorite forms of self expression

Art is my favorite medium of releasing creativity. I love conjuring up ideas, bringing them together, and transferring them onto a land scape. Making shit is dope. Art is a way to spread your message through pictures, and being able to convey to the world what you believe is important for people to know. It could also just be mindless fun, without meaning but a way to show your skills in making aesthetic imagery.

My favorite form of art is contemporary. And whenever I make art it’s the style that I go for personally. Contemporary art to me doesn’t have limitations in defining it’s message. I love the aesthetic of it, how open it can be to interpretation, and how modern it looks to me. It’s the form of art I have the most appreciation for. And one of my favorite experiences related to art is when I went to the Museum of Contemporary Art in Chicago.

I felt like I could go back to back a dozen times looking at the same art before I’d get tired of it. It had so many pieces. Displays made of neon signs that covered subjects dealing with joy, life, and sex. There were also pieces that involved companies like Nike and Adidas. This is honestly the kind of art that inspired me to start making my own art on canvasses.

Ever since I really started getting into art; I’ve learn to appreciate the aesthetics in life too. Such as the architectural design choices for different infrastructures or the color schemes used to decorate hallways. Even in forms of media like tv shows and movies you start appreciating the small details like specific placement of certain scenes or the visual metaphors.

Right now, I’m trying to share my own personal message through the medium of art with a clothing line. It’s great because it’s allowing me to create clothes that I’ve always wanted to wear but could never find and to spread my message that I hold dear to others; which is the value of individualism. I hope that I can grow into something really successful and to be able to leave healthcare, which don’t get me wrong, is a respectable profession, but totally sucks balls sometimes.

I’m glad that I grew an interest to art when I was young. It had helped me so much in so many ways; with teaching me to be more expressive or being an amazing for of stress relief. One of my favorite things to learn about someone is that they’re into art as well and could talk to that person with hours about it. Most of all, it’s helped bring a greater appreciation for life for me.

Being in the middle of the pandemic as a nurse

It’s been a crazy year since Covid-19 really started picking up and being the global pandemic that it is now. Cities have shut down, people stopped going out, traffic is close to non-existent now. To see a virus bring society down to a halt like this is truly devastating. Being in the frontlines of it in a Covid unit and has been just as crazy.

I think it’s easy to look outside and not really think about how dangerous this virus can be to the people who are susceptible to it. You’re not normally seeing people at their worst with covid when they’re struggling to breath and coughing their lungs out. And for the very unlucky people, they’ve got tubes shoved down their mouths like a deepthroat from hell, these tubes are helping them breath because they can’t do it on their own. Lastly, if your just shit out of luck, you end up dead. Whether it’s because intubation didn’t save you or their just weren’t ventilators available because they were taken by other Covid patients.

There’s a stark contrast that I’m seeing between how people outside of healthcare see covid and those who see it in the frontlines. The headasses protesting in major cities and large towns to re-open businesses and general public services have formed a cognitive dissonance to the dangers of the disease. However, it’s hard to ignore the real danger of Covid when your seeing the real affects of it every time you go to work.

I understand the importance of keeping the economy from completely tanking any more then it has. And that the best way for that is to allow people to work again and get more money back into the the state and government, but what good is being able to pay for family when you or your own family members could pass away because you caught covid from a customer?

While I’m sure the stimulus check had helped families for a short period of time. You can only stretch $1,200 for so long. I definitely see the government needing to send more money to the American public if these restrictions go on. Even then the government can only keep pumping money into the economy until inflation pays a visit and quadruples the price of beef jerky.

However, even with all that going. I’d still take having people be alive over being broke. Having to cut on food for the family sucks, better than having some of them be dead. Being late on bills and potentially not having warm water sucks, better than being dead. Having to lower the amount of fat blunts that you smoke sucks, but still better than being dead. You see what I’m getting at here?

On the topic of being alive, we’ve been seeing a lot of death on my unit since it was converted into a Covid unit. It’s sad to see, and there really isn’t a treatment for this disease. Plaquenil is being touted as drug that has shown some benefits, but really I’m not seeing shit from this drug other than it fucking up peoples’ kidneys and heart rhythms. But I feel doctors are willing to try anything to help these patients. In the end most of what we’re doing is supportive care and hoping the body can fight off the infection.

Do I see in end coming soon with this virus? To be honest, no. I wouldn’t be surprised if it went on until next year. With how easily this virus spreads and the lack of a vaccine; Covid could be around for a long time. I just hope society is smart enough to do what it needs to do in order to get the number of cases down to the point where quarantine restrictions can finally be lifted again.

Because to be honest, miss getting fucking lit man.