Finding peace at 2am

Looking back at my life I realize I really went through some turbulent times. Life was never easy. No, sometimes it was really hard. But I acknowledge that I’m able to get through it. Despite some of the shit that I had to go through. And there were periods in my life when I was stuck in the bottom where I felt like the world just wanted to smack me around and toss me to the wolves any chance it got. Of course I never really talked about my problems to my friends, during those periods I always felt like I was a burden for opening up about shit I’d go through. I’ve since improved from that mindset, but I remember how those darker periods left me with bitter feelings about the world for some time.

It took a lot of work, a lot of discipline, and a lot of help from my support system to help bring me up to be a better place. And to think a few years ago I was going hard on McDonalds any chance I got because the only way to fill the empty hole inside me was with more McChickens. I guess in the end something just told me to kept going. Bipolar type 2 and OCD are like a ball and chain you carry around, they fucking drag you down and some days the weight of the ball just gets unbearably heavy. During those periods all I wanted to do was lay down a give the fuck up.

I think when you’re really in the depth of mental illness all you can think of is the NOW, how right now is terrible, how right now is insufferable, how right now is full of despair. In that state it’s too hard to think about where you might be years from now if you put in the work to make life better. And it’s totally understandable, because when you’re feeling really low from mental illness, taking that first step to getting better is INCREDIBLY difficult. Too all the readers who don’t have to deal with mental illness, you’re pretty damn lucky. To all those who get it, yah I feel your pain, shit sucks.

BUT, if you can find it in you to take the first step to getting better, the second step is a little easier, then the third, sometimes you might fall back a step or two, but you know you started your journey to getting better. So you keep going regardless. For me it was finally seeing a psychiatrist to officially diagnose me, then going through trial and error with a fuckton of meds before I finally found the ones that helped stabilize me. Then finding tactics like cognitive behavioral therapy to teach me how to ignore some of my thoughts from OCD and my unrealistic perceptions caused by my Bipolar 2. Then it was finally being open with friends and people close to me, which was such a big relief. Then it was incorporating healthy activities outside of meds and therapy such as exercise like cardio. The final step for me personally, which is optional for people, is psychedelics. To me it was the added whip cream and cherry on top of the cake that helped my life out. But like I said, they’re not necessary, but can really be beneficial if used for therapeutic purposes.

After all this you realize how much work it can take to get better from mental illness, but you realize it was all so completely worth it. Because I’m much better than where I was before. I’m not going to lie, even after all of this, it can still be very hard. Some days can still be low, but I remember that I can never let myself get bad again. So I put my chin up and put in the work and strive on until things get better again. I realize now that this is the hand I’m dealt, things may never be perfect, but I know I can make the most of the hand that was given to me. And despite some shitty cards I’ve been given, I’ve got to say that I’ve made a pretty fucking dope life for myself. And for that, I am thankful.


  1. Barbara Tucker · June 19, 2020

    Congratulations on your perseverance. Well done!


  2. CompassAndCamera · June 24, 2020

    You are strong — both to find your path and tell your story. Wonderful post.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s